Wharf Rat

Heard around the house today...

2010-09-05T10:09:00.000-07:00

"Daddy, did you turn the sauce into bacon?"

Heard around the house...

2010-06-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

"Why are you beating your brother with your underwear?"

New series: Heard around the kitchen...

2010-06-01T19:42:00.001-07:00

Or, 'Things you don't want to hear from the people preparing your food' : "How do you spell cheese??"

2010-06-01T19:42:00.000-07:00

The Monkeyboy has passed his title on...crap.

2010-04-09T10:11:00.000-07:00

My little brother has been the reigning king of climbing in the family for years...this kid, if I remember, was climbing out of his crib at somewhere around six months old. He even managed to chew his way through one of those crib tent things, the ones that only has the zipper on the outside and are supposedly impossible to escape from. This morning, although he doesn't know it yet, he has been outdone by his 2-year old nephew, my son, henceforth (and around the house) known as Stinkerbutt.

We realized a couple days ago that Stinkerbutt had grown enough to climb out of his playpen unassisted. We had been using the playpen in place of a regular crib because it takes up so much less space, but in anticipation of his growth I picked up an old crib for free off Craigslist. Two nights ago, with much swearing and a trip to the hardware store, the Stinkerbutt's father put the old wood monstrosity together, and with some safety pins and a bit of ingenuity, rigged an inexpensive mattress for it. It worked great, it's got the vertical bars so he can't get enough height to swing his leg over the side, especially since he can barely see over the side. I went to bed in peace, for two nights, with no worries that I would once again wake up to find him taking a bath in the toilet, or calling Indonesia on the house phone.

I was wrong. This morning, (I repeat) barely two days after this humongous hunk of firewood takes up residence over about half the living room floor, I wake up to hear Stinkerbutt slamming the toilet lid, one of his favorite things to do when he escapes supervision. Wondering if perhaps I was indeed half monkey as I had always been told, and had passed those genes on the my son, I put him back in the crib because I wanted to see how he had managed it. As I was doing this, my arm bumped the side of the crib, which moved. It's not supposed to move. I looked in Stinkerbutt's hand, and realized the little brat had managed to unscrew one of the frickin' bolts. In two hours!! It couldn't have been more than that. And as I sit here typing this, he's gone to work on another bolt, since I zip-tied the last one (being unable to fund the nut that went wit the bolt, hpe he didn't swallow it.). I think maybe Stinkerbutt's father might be right: we oughta just build a floor-to-ceiling monkey cage.

Edited to add: It seems worth saying that this brilliant 2-year-old who can unscrew his crib, and almost open the front door, and has an ever growing vocabulary of intelligible words, still runs facefirst into doors and laughs.

Heard around the house today...

2010-04-05T23:22:00.000-07:00

"I didn't say it was relevant, I just said it reminded me of a hooker I met in downtown Portland!"

Bonus round: "If fish could fly, I'd be an acorn."

Heard around the house today...

2010-04-02T23:50:00.000-07:00

"That's sorta profound." "Sorta profound? Is that like being kinda pregnant??"

Heard around the house today... (language alert)

2010-03-26T20:40:00.000-07:00

"So what do we want to call this butt-f*****g Brady Bunch of technology?"

Heard around the house today...

2010-03-25T18:51:00.000-07:00

"Stroganoff sounds really tasty..." "Hehehehe." "Not that kind!!!!"

Heard around the house today...

2010-03-22T22:45:00.000-07:00

"How does Freddy Krueger wipe his butt??" "Very, very, very carefully..."

along with

"No, you can't color with the french fry!"

Heard around the house...

2010-03-09T08:43:00.001-08:00

"I'm going to need a lamp cord, a pickle, and some duct tape..."

Heard around the house today...

2010-02-16T20:21:00.000-08:00

"What the f*** is Zulu Time?" "I don't know, kind of like Miller Time for aborigines?"

Heard around the house today...

2010-02-14T13:15:00.000-08:00

"Hey! You peed my pants!"

How's about a side of dead baby with that hypocrisy?

2010-02-03T10:42:00.000-08:00

I've been halfway following this case since I heard about on the news a few years ago, when I was living working near Oregon City. I've looked into the Followers of Christ a little bit, especially after I realized a co-worker was related to the victim in a similar case. Personally, I find them a bit cult-like, but that's my opinion. I also think that Ava Worthington's parents probably ought to be taken out back and shot. The Beagleys, on the other hand...well, I'm a little torn. They undoubtedly should have at least encouraged their son to seek medical help, and helped him with it in any way possible (which seems to be something forbidden by their religion). However, my biggest problem with convicting the Beagleys has absolutely NOTHING to do with their religion. Read this clip and see if you can pick out which part has me seething a little:

'The couple, who remain free on bail, is scheduled for sentencing on Feb. 18. Because neither has a prior conviction, state sentencing guidelines call for 16 to 18 months in prison.

Prosecutors said the Beagleys had a duty as parents to provide medical care for their 16-year-old son, Neil, who died in 2008 of complications from a urinary tract blockage. The defense argued the teenager had symptoms more like a cold or the flu.'

Did you see it? No, not the urinary issues that I can't possibly imagine feeling anything like the flu. Not even the prison sentence, which is too short or too long depending on your point of view. Here's my problem: this kid was 16. 16 years old when he died, which is tragic both because he was young and because the health problem was easily treatable. However, this kid was 16. If he had a uterus instead of testicles, he could have gotten an abortion without telling his parents. He can go into any Planned Parenthood without any kind of I.D. and buy condoms for 10 cents a pop. He can hide any and all of his medical records from his parents, including drug and STD testing, just by signing his name, .

So tell me, how can we give children that kind of power over their medical care, and then turn around and blame the parents???

**Edit: and I'm going to point out that the story in the second link, the Worthington case, they misrepresented the law on the first page there: it wasn't passed to force parents to seek medical help, but to keep them from using their belief in faith-healing as a defense against criminal charges.

Heard around the house...

2010-01-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

"He's all full of evil and getting ready to explode like a Slinky."

Heard around the house this morning...

2010-01-14T13:58:00.000-08:00

"...to the best of my knowledge, I have never had baking soda on my taint."

Oh my dear and fuzzy lord...

2010-01-07T14:32:00.000-08:00

Y'know, originally today I was going to blog about how the daycare must think I'm the absolute worst mommy in the world. Then I was stunned into an absolute mental coma when, wandering out of the school bookstore, I noticed a new V.C. Andrews novel on the shelf (and if you don't know why that's sad and funny all rolled into one, look up V.C. Andrews on Wikipedia). So I wasn't going to blog anything today. And then, wandering around Cracked like I do when I'm bored, I stumbled upon them making fun of something called "Rockabye Baby!". They're a collection of CD's of, as one would assume, lullabies. Not just any lullabies, though - these are lullaby renditions of songs by Metallica, Bob Marley, The Beatles, etc....and so, while looking through these on youtube, I have stumbled across the awesomest lullaby ever!!!! Please enjoy, although I wouldn't suggest drinking anything while listening, at least not if you're as 'odd' as I am...

Yeah. That's right. And I am soooo buying this download from Amazon.

Has anyone else noticed...

2009-12-21T18:07:00.000-08:00

..that getting children's toys out of the packaging seems to require a list of battle plans these days?

Screw Geico.

2009-09-25T14:31:00.000-07:00

So, yesterday I was wondering how sky-high my insurance would go if I added (we'll call him) Jack to my auto policy with Geico. I went through their little online process thingy to get a quote for such an occurrence. This is the shitstorm that has followed:
(personal information has been asterisk-ed or appropriately changed)

September 24, 2009

Dear Wharf Rat:

Thank you for using GEICO's online services. My name is Kristina ****** and I am happy to assist you today.

I received your request for a quote to add Jack to your policy. Your current six-month premium is $4**.30. If you were to make this change, your six-month premium would remain $4**.30.

Your premium may vary based on the information you provide and the motor vehicle report that we would review for Jack.

Please note that this person would need to be added to your insurance policy if he has a valid driver license and resides in your household. You are obligated to advise GEICO of any licensed resident drivers. This will ensure that you are insured in the event of a loss. Please reply to this message to have Jack added to your insurance policy. I will be happy to update your account.

Reply the first:

Thank you for your prompt reply :-) Currently, Jack is not licensed and does not drive, the quote was hypothetical, but thank you for your concern.

Sincerely,
Wharf Rat

Their comeback:

September 24, 2009

Dear Wharf Rat:

Thank you for your reply. In your reply, you state that Jack is not licensed. Did she voluntarily surrender her driver's license, or is it suspended in some way? Does she live in your household?

Thank you for your patience. We appreciate your business and look forward to serving your insurance needs for years to come.

Mark ******
geico.com
Internet Agent

(I completely ignored Jack's seemingly overnight transformation into a girl, since I don't remember if I specified in the quote request wether he was male or female.)

Me again:

Jack's license is currently suspended, and yes, he lives in my household. The only reason I was looking for the quote is because I was wondering how much more my policy would cost if he paid everything off and got him his license back. Since your quote didn't include any of the numerous tickets he's gotten in the last couple years, it isn't exactly accurate. However, it doesn't matter at the moment, since the fees required to reinstate his license are much more than he'll be able to afford for a while.

Thank you for your replies.

Sincerely,
Wharf Rat

Geico again:

September 25, 2009

Dear Wharf Rat:

Thank you for your response. My name is Vanessa and I will be happy to assist you today.

Because Jack resides in your household, we are obligated to insure her on your policy. I understand that her license is suspended and you do not wish to insure her at this time.

In order for this to happen, we will need you to sign a Named Driver Exclusion form. If you decide to sign this form, you will be acknowledging that GEICO will not be liable to pay any future claims that may happen if Jack is a driver of your insured vehicles.

This form will be added to your policy and it can only be removed with the prior approval of our Underwriting Department. For your convenience, I will email the Named Driver Exclusion form to you in a separate message shortly.

(random crap excluded)

Thank you for your patience and attention to this matter. My goal is to provide you with excellent customer service. Please feel free to contact me at geico.com if you have any further questions or concerns. I will be happy to help. Thank you for using GEICO's online services and for being a GEICO policyholder. We appreciate your business.

Sincerely,
Vanessa *********
GEICO Internet Service Department

(still ignoring the Amazing Reversible Sex Change)

My third attempt:

Hello, Vanessa. You're the third person I've replied to about this, in as many e-mails. I am not married to Jack, he just lives in the same house that I do (the house that doesn't belong to either one of us). Legally, he has no real ties to me, and he doesn't drive my car, either he rides the bus or I drive him. Please explain to me how you are required to insure someone who has no legal ties to me?

Sincerely,
Wharf Rat

Them again (note how the wording is almost exactly the same as their last missive):

September 25, 2009

Dear Wharf Rat:

Thank you for using GEICO's online services.

Hello, my name is Becki and I am happy to assist you today.

I can certainly understand your concerns regarding your policy. Under the terms of your policy contract, we must insure any driver that has access to operate your vehicle. This may apply even if the driver is not a resident of your household.

We are insuring the exposure that Jack presents in the event he drives your vehicle. This is the reason that Jack was added as an insured operator.

In your messages to us, you have indicated that Jack does not own a car, or have other insurance. We must receive documentation that will ensure us we are no longer obligated to insure him as a driver. This is the reason the Named Driver Exclusion form was offered.

If this is an option that you would like to consider, please respond to this email so we can review your policy as soon as possible. My goal is to provide you with excellent customer service. Please let me know if I can be of further assistance by contacting me at geico.com.

Sincerely,
Rebecca Mercado
GEICO Internet Service Department

So this is the first one in which I think someone might have actually READ my e-mail. Unfortunately, the still misunderstood my concern. Hopefully this next and most recent reply will make it to someone with an I.Q. higher than their shoe size, or I think I might seriously shop for other insurance. I think I'd be willing to take a $50 dollar a moth hit to NOT have to deal with this shit anymore. Lucky I rooted out the deep-seated idiocy before I actually had to use their useless monetary-black-hole of a policy.

My most recent attempt:

Hello Becki,

I think I may be starting to sound a little irrtitated with this whole thing, and that's probably because I am. All I asked for was a quote. That's all I wanted. And if I read this e-mail correctly, I'd have to insure everyone on my damn block, including the 10-year-olds across the street, because they could possibly have access to my car.

It's more likely that some random person wandering through my neighborhood would steal my car and crash it, than Jack drive it at all. And I'll be damned if I put my ass on the line just in case Jack does go off his rocker one of these days, jack my car and crash it through the front window at Macy's.

So, I would really like for you to explain to me why an UNRELATED PERSON who is NOT LEGALLY ALLOWED TO DRIVE (much like my 1-year-old son and the previously mentioned 10-year-old across the street) that I was thinking of doing a favor for, now needs to be added to my policy, when the rest of the world doesn't.

Sincerely,
Wharf Rat

I swear to God if I get the same cookie-cutter bullshit back again, I'm dropping their asses like a radioactive hot potato. Fucking imbeciles.

EDIT: As of Saturday morning, they have added Jack to my policy and will not remove him unless I provide a utility bill for him elsewhere, or provide prove that he is insured by different policy. Even though he has no license, and absolutely no use for insurance because of that lack of license. Somehow I'm thinking this can't possibly be legal - they're going to charge me for services that I neither asked nor signed for. Screw this, screw them, I'm finding myself a new insurance company.

People, Geico may have fantastic prices for those of us with a couple 'oopsie's on our records, but they are run entirely by mentally deficient, butt-munching baboons. Oops, never mind - that's an insult to baboons everywhere.

Bend Over, America.

2009-09-23T13:49:00.000-07:00

Just found this online while researching the 'sin tax' up here in Washington (the one that I didn't know much about until today). I just don't know what to say (or rather, I do, but it's a bit higher than a PG-13 rating).

Published on Sept. 8, 2009(click on the link for the full article, I'm just putting my favorite bits here)

"...The President, in an interview with Men's Health magazine released yesterday, said he thought taxing soda and other sugary drinks is worth putting on the table as Congress debates health care reform. ..."

"...Despite that debacle, congressional lawmakers have considered soda taxes as one way to cover the cost of revamping the nation's health care system, estimated to eat up much as $1 trillion over the next decade. ..."

"...Obama acknowledged that the idea could lead to charges that Uncle Sam is trying to dictate personal diets, but he hinted the trade-off may be worth it. ..."

"..."It is true, though, that if you wanted to make a big impact on people's health in this country, reducing things like soda consumption would be helpful."..." <----that last being a direct quote from Big Broth- oops, President Obama.

I think this is rather appropriate:

“First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist, so I said nothing. Then they came for the Social Democrats, but I was not a Social Democrat, so I did nothing. Then came the trade unionists, but I was not a trade unionist. And then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew, so I did little. Then when they came for me, there was no one left to stand up for me.” - Pastor Martin Niehmoller

So they've come for the smokers, and anyone who dares to enjoy a beer. Now the soda. Next the fast food. Then the motorcycle drivers and the skydivers. Until we all just go to work and come home (probably by foot, because driving is dangerous), eat bland food, watch non-inflammatory T.V. shows, get the required eight hours of sleep, and wake up and do it again. Every day. Laugh if you must, I suppose I'm slightly paranoid, but just wait; the government is going to keep pushing just that little bit further, and a little bit further, desensitizing the population every time they take just a little more freedom.

Good Morning, America. Time to bend over and take some more.

yet another wonderful thing from YouTube...

2009-09-15T13:52:00.000-07:00

Yes indeed-y.

Oh my...

2009-07-27T14:03:00.000-07:00

Ok, so it's the second video in one day, but I just can't resist. One of my instructors is addicted to finding machining-type videos on youtube to show the class, and today we ran across this one - he stopped it about 30 seconds in. I don't think you have to be a machinist to laugh at this, but let me know if I'm wrong...

Spiffy spiffy internetz...

2009-07-27T09:27:00.000-07:00

This is just awesome...

I think I feel old...

2009-07-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

Doesn't anybody remember Windows 95 anymore? I try searching for just about anything involving 95 on Google, and I get absolutely NOTHING that actually has anything to do with 95. XP? Sure. Vista? Of course, everyone wants Vista!! What the hell am I supposed to do when the hardware specs will barely support Windows 98, much less Vista???? I'm seriously starting to think that the more mainstream computers become, the less anybody knows about them.

EDIT: Oh yeah. And any laptop that you find for $35 is kind of a ripoff, even if it does technically run. And 32 mb of memory is NOT going to run AutoCAD 2009, even with a virtual machine setup.

Now I'm done. Maybe.

I Think The Graham Crackers Were Laced...

2009-06-22T14:31:00.000-07:00

...because the only explanation for the existence of "Yo Gabba Gabba" is Jim Henson on an acid trip.

I Weep For Humanity...

2009-06-18T13:23:00.000-07:00

because people like this are parenting the next generation...y'know, the ones that are going to run my nursing home?

~Edit: And I thought it couldn't get any worse. I was wrong.

I Think I'll Move To Canada...

2009-06-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

After all, if we're not allowed to display pride in our country, what's the difference? There really isn't a whole lot I can say about this - it ranks right up there with the people that refuse to learn the common (albeit unofficial) language, while insisting that we ought to learn theirs. Now I've got nothing against learning other languages, or experiencing other cultures, but this is America, for chrissakes. If the flag offends you, move somewhere else. I certainly wouldn't move to China and expect people to take down their flags because yellow stars offend me. Just wait - pretty soon the flag will have to be in black and white, because it currently offends color-blind people.

And then we have this. Why not just disband the military entirely? It's not like most people understand respect for veterans anymore, or even respect for those who currently serve. As the article notes, the people with political stickers aren't being dinged, just this guy that risked his life to fight for our country. This is how we repay 14 years of service? And here I thought Texas was one of the more patriotic states.

And then there's my favorite find (read: outrage) of the day. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, after all it's California. But last time I checked, both freedom from religious persecution and the right to peaceful assembly were protected by the U.S. Constitution. I know I've been out of touch lately, but I think I would have noticed if either of those had gone by the wayside. So what the hell gives San Diego County the right to trample all over these people's rights as human beings, and decide who they can have in their home and why? Somebody, please explain, because this is giving me one monster of a headache.

I ran across all three of these articles today, although these things occured late last month. Now I remember why I stopped reading the news - it tends to infuriate me.

What in the holy hell?

2009-06-15T13:44:00.000-07:00

Wow. So I finally set up a blog. Not because I think anyone cares about the mundane goings-on of my everyday life, but because I have something to say. Actually, I have a lot to say. But here's today's WTF moment that I just couldn't ignore:

I was messing around on Google when I found these. A little background: I have just discovered the fascinating display of satire that is Dick Masterson, and was doing a little Google reconaissance, when I run across some misguided woman lambasting this guy, and saying that had she had a supply of these stickers when she saw this book at a store, she would have covered the books with "this insults women" stickers. Think about that for a minute. This woman is not only irate about a satirical book, but willing to deface merchandise over it, all in the name of feminism and equal rights.

If this doesn't make you blink a couple times, you don't belong here. How in the holy fucking hell do women like this come to the conclusion that acts of vandalism and threats of violence are going to help the feminist case? I look around and I see shit like this constantly. It's insanity, is what it is. We fought for equal rights, and we won, but for what? So that women could sit around on welfare and pop out one baby after another while doing absolutely nothing with their lives? Or so that women could one day decide that a man opening a door for a woman is chauvinistic? Get a clue, ladies: the simple fact that that man opened the door for you is proof that he means nothing by it.

Now, don't get me wrong, I was pretty pissed off when I first ran across Dick's site. Then I looked closer, dug a little deeper, and realized: not only was he exaggerating things for humors' sake, but at the very core of it all, he's right!!! On average (if I'm talking about you, you know it. If I'm not, just smile and nod because you know I'm right), women are whiny, irritating, spoiled little brats with an inflated sense of what the world owes them. They come in all shapes and sizes, and they're everywhere. They're the ones that give you a smug look as they cut you off in traffic, or smile a saccharine smile when they steal your parking spot. They have to have the shiniest shit and the whizziest bangs, no matter who has to pay for it. They are taking over the female population and they give the rest of us a bad name.

**One-time-only general disclaimer: My opinions are my own. If I offend you, I'm probably not sorry.